I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Randomize
