I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
