Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
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