I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
