I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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