saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Randomize
