i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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