And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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