Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
