Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
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