she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
