If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
