they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
