I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
