Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
