OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Randomize
