I wanna bring you to show and tell
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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