I accidentally burped into my bong.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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