2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
