I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
