Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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