Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Is it because I queefed?
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
