Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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