Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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