Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
