I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Randomize
