I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
