New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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