I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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