dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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