my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
