i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
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