three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
