I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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