what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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