one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Randomize
