You smell like stripper and shame
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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