Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
