He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
3 2 1 whiskey
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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