Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
