So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
