it wasn't lemon gatorade
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
