I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Randomize