Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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