The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Randomize
