my phone needs a breathalizer
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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