I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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