I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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