Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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