I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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