This is not my ceiling
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I'm at about main and main street
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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