i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize