I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
