first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
