ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
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