i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
