So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
