please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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