Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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